I suppose if you somehow transported a wretched serf from the tenth century to today, the thing that he might find the weirdest of all is how every single morning we stand in a metal tub and baste ourselves in hot water for ten minutes.
Witches, they will say. They’re all witches, and they’re slowly cooking themselves to death.
HIM: Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And you should never expect me to get it right on the first day.
HER: Do you realize that our townhouse is four years old? It’s the same age as our son.
HIM: Wow! And the house is so much BIGGER!
(as they listen to Three Times a Lady, by the Commodores)
HIM: This is a great song. I’m going to play this for you when you finally leave me.
HER: Awww. But how will you play it for me if I’ve left you?
HIM: I’ll turn it up really loud …
HIM: So you can hear it from under all the dirt.
HER: (dead silence)
HIM: Can I write that in my blog?
HER: Well, you could if the joke wasn’t so old! Why is it every time we talk about me leaving you, it’s you that brings it up. And it always ends up with the punchline being me dead!
HIM: Which of us just farted?
SCENE 1: She walks into the living room with a glass of wine and inserts a DVD. Sitting down at her armchair, she turns on her back massage, reclines back, and sips her wine. A few minutes pass.
HER: I am now camping.
HER: Look at me. I’m camping. (points to the fireplace) I have a fire. (points to the glass of wine) I’m drinking. I’ve got to pee, but I’m too lazy to get up. That’s me camping.
HIM: (reminiscing with a distant look in his eye) You know, I once dated a porn star for a few weeks.
HER: You did? What was he like?
SCENE: He is doing the budget. She is sitting across from him, sipping hot chocolate. They have just debated part of the budget and he has convinced her that they should spend less each month on gifts. She is brooding.
HIM: $250 per month on restaurants …
HER: (sips hot chocolate and broods)
HIM: $50 per month on DVD rentals … maybe we should think about buying instead of renting …
HIM: $100 per month on alcohol … we should increase that.
HER: What! That’s excessive!
HIM: No it’s not, since I’m going to be spending more time at home listening to how we don’t spend enough money on gifts.